Mine is Yours, and Yours is Mine
Should I be responsible for his financial past? Should he be responsible for mine?
By: SharaLee S Ward

Nathan and I have been married for 18 months. We went through pre-marital counseling to ensure that the surprises would be minimal once we sealed the deal. And contrary to the popular belief that the first year is always the hardest, we’ve had it pretty easy. But one thing that I had to learn through experience was that sharing financial responsibility doesn’t exclusively mean we now split the rent and the cost of groceries because we live together. The area of finances also includes any prior debt before marriage, and in our case included student loans and fines for illegal activity.

After high school Nathan fell into the drug scene and participated in illegal activity including fraud and theft to support the drug habit. He spiraled downhill for about 4 years before he found Teen Challenge, a Christian based drug and addiction rehabilitation center. Thankfully God healed and saved Nathan from his destructive lifestyle and he miraculously sustains no physical or internal damage from the drug use.

However, there were still consequences for his actions and we are now working through paying fines as well as getting pardoned for his criminal record. Nathan knew that whomever he’d marry would have to accept his past and be willing to work through those consequences with him no matter how long it may take to clear his name.

I entered our marriage from the other side of the spectrum. I had never even held a cigarette, let alone illegal drugs. Most of the details of a lifestyle of addiction were totally foreign to me. But I brought my own share of financial issues. After high school I went directly to college. I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life, so I took out a student loan with maximum allowance of $18000 to complete a 4 year degree.

My plans fell through a year and a half into my degree. I struggled with making a decision on what I really wanted to do as a career and ended up blowing all of the money. With no career or full time job I wasn’t able to make the minimum payments and debt collectors began calling. My credit limit quickly deteriorated.

Nathan and I were educated in our pre- marital counseling that money issues are one of the main causes for marital problems, and it is easy to let our circumstances get the best of us if we are not careful. Nathan wasn’t afraid to deal with the issues head on, but talking about my finances always made me squirm and get stressed out.

I always felt like there was no way out so I tried to pretend it didn’t exist. I realized that I not only had to face my own issues but deluge them to Nathan. He grasped the idea of sharing our financial situations better than I had. I was ok with sharing Nathan’s past but I wasn’t sure about letting him share mine. I felt guilty for foolishly spending my student loan money and didn’t think it was fair that Nathan had to be responsible for it now. Nathan began helping me make payments on my loan after we were engaged. After losing my job, I didn’t have a choice but to accept his help.

I quickly learned that my financial freedom is Nathan’s financial freedom and vice versa. We now help each other with various payments that are due whether it’s dealing with Nathan’s pardon process or my student loans. Jesus told his disciples to prefer one another and carry one another’s burdens.

When feeling financially oppressed I know that Nathan is still praying for me and will encourage me that God is in control even despite how I’m feeling. When I said “I do” I agreed to be responsible for Nathan and any financial baggage from the past, and when Nathan said “I do” he agreed the same for me. Being financially free means we are free to travel, take the next step to buy a house and do what God has planned for us.

Today we have learned from this experience that we are stronger together to work through our financial issues and God planned it this way. Coupled with prayer and faith that God will take care of us, we save ourselves those arguments about money and the damage financial stress could have on our marriage.

SharaLee is a musician and writer who is currently recording a worship album. She also ministers with her husband in a prophetic art group.  If you would like to comment on this article, feel free to email writers@blessedlady.com.
 

Relationships